Today I wanted to write a short blog post to get myself back into the groove of creating online content. So, I thought I would explain why I haven’t been streaming and pretty much inactive for nearly 6 months or so.
I have been dealing with a lot of grief. So far, over the past year and a half, I have had 3 people who were in my life die. My Granny, A friend of mines and My Great-gran.
The first death I will be talking about is actually the most recent one. My great-gran passed away as she had contracted Covid. My great-gran was in a nursing home, where someone had unknowingly come into contact with the virus and caused the elderly patients to contract the virus.
The Second Death I want to talk about was actually the first death which happened just over a year and a half ago. My Granny died, I was close to her and so this is the one I am still struggling to process. My mother and I lived with my grandparents until I was 4 years old. My granny was the person who got me interested in playing Video Games. We even made a YouTube video together, which I still can’t watch.
My granny was the person who also introduced me to The Sims. Every time I saw her, I would talk to her about the latest game releases, show her the trailers and we would talk about how the graphics have improved which the NES and SNES days.
Greif and Autism.
With me being Autistic, Greif affects me differently. While others want to “come together and help each other” I want to pull away and hide. My Autism makes me sit and analyze things over and over, so being on my own makes things easier to process. My emotional state and mental health have also been a complete mess. The only times I have felt happy, or at least numb to the grief for a while, is when I am with Mr PaperBag (Rusty,) Onyx, My Cat or My mother. Otherwise, I am depressed, anxious and angry.
Why do you feel anxious? Well, for me, death is uncertainty. Although, I knew my great-gran was going to pass due to covid. It triggered the concern of “what if my mother dies?” “What if my cat dies?” “What if Rusty dies first and I’m left alone?” “What if I die first and there is an afterlife and Rusty moves on to another woman and I have then share him in an afterlife?” (As silly as that sounds, yes, that is an actual fear of mines.)
One thing that really bothered me about the situation would be when people that I wasn’t close to and had never spoken to before, would randomly message me expressing their sympathies for my loss and how I could talk to them if I needed to. Each time I got one of those messages, it was like I was being reminded that my loved ones were gone. Which then triggered depression and worst of all the anxiety.
I wish that people would have just said “Hey, how are you?” and let me choose on whether I wanted to talk to them about it or not. Rather, that just forcing me into a situation of where I had to awkwardly say “Thanks” to someone who I never talk to. I just want people to stop and think before they send or post something. Use Empathy over Sympathy, because Sympathy is just selfish and useless.
Empathy: “I know how you feel, it fucking sucks.” (Warm and friendly words.)
Sympathy: “I’m sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother.” (Hollow and weightless words.)
So, overall, that is why I have been quiet. I have been going through a long grieving process, which has been further elongated by people contacting me and being Sympathetic. Although, I’m not going to lie, I find it ironic that I’m the one complaining about others lacking empathy, considering that I am Autistic.