Greif and Autism : Why I Have Been Quiet

Today I wanted to write a short blog post to get myself back into the groove of creating online content. So, I thought I would explain why I haven’t been streaming and pretty much inactive for nearly 6 months or so.

I have been dealing with a lot of grief. So far, over the past year and a half, I have had 3 people who were in my life die. My Granny, A friend of mines and My Great-gran.

The first death I will be talking about is actually the most recent one. My great-gran passed away as she had contracted Covid. My great-gran was in a nursing home, where someone had unknowingly come into contact with the virus and caused the elderly patients to contract the virus.
The Second Death I want to talk about was actually the first death which happened just over a year and a half ago. My Granny died, I was close to her and so this is the one I am still struggling to process. My mother and I lived with my grandparents until I was 4 years old. My granny was the person who got me interested in playing Video Games. We even made a YouTube video together, which I still can’t watch.
My granny was the person who also introduced me to The Sims. Every time I saw her, I would talk to her about the latest game releases, show her the trailers and we would talk about how the graphics have improved which the NES and SNES days.

Greif and Autism.

With me being Autistic, Greif affects me differently. While others want to “come together and help each other” I want to pull away and hide. My Autism makes me sit and analyze things over and over, so being on my own makes things easier to process. My emotional state and mental health have also been a complete mess. The only times I have felt happy, or at least numb to the grief for a while, is when I am with Mr PaperBag (Rusty,) Onyx, My Cat or My mother. Otherwise, I am depressed, anxious and angry.

Why do you feel anxious? Well, for me, death is uncertainty. Although, I knew my great-gran was going to pass due to covid. It triggered the concern of “what if my mother dies?” “What if my cat dies?” “What if Rusty dies first and I’m left alone?” “What if I die first and there is an afterlife and Rusty moves on to another woman and I have then share him in an afterlife?” (As silly as that sounds, yes, that is an actual fear of mines.)

One thing that really bothered me about the situation would be when people that I wasn’t close to and had never spoken to before, would randomly message me expressing their sympathies for my loss and how I could talk to them if I needed to. Each time I got one of those messages, it was like I was being reminded that my loved ones were gone. Which then triggered depression and worst of all the anxiety.

I wish that people would have just said “Hey, how are you?” and let me choose on whether I wanted to talk to them about it or not. Rather, that just forcing me into a situation of where I had to awkwardly say “Thanks” to someone who I never talk to. I just want people to stop and think before they send or post something. Use Empathy over Sympathy, because Sympathy is just selfish and useless.

Empathy: “I know how you feel, it fucking sucks.” (Warm and friendly words.)
Sympathy: “I’m sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother.” (Hollow and weightless words.)

So, overall, that is why I have been quiet. I have been going through a long grieving process, which has been further elongated by people contacting me and being Sympathetic. Although, I’m not going to lie, I find it ironic that I’m the one complaining about others lacking empathy, considering that I am Autistic.

Why I Have Been Taking a Break from Live Streaming on Twitch

Hey guys, so I am sure a few of you have noticed that I haven’t been streaming or roleplaying too much as of late. Well, today I wanted to explain to you guys why I haven’t been around as much.

Last December, I started the process of getting an assessment to find out if I have Autism Spectrum Disorder or not. I am now on my 4th appointment and should be getting results at some point this year. However, with each appointment now being nearly every week, I have been too tired both physically and mentally to be around super late at night. This will affect my Twitch Live Stream and choice of content to stream. After these appointments, I usually become tired for the best part of 2-3 days, which is killing my abilities to be online when needed.

I will be changing up the content from 90% RP to around 30% RP. Meaning there will only be around one RP stream per week and even then, it depends on if I am feeling up to it. Bow right now is in a frustrating state and I am not enjoying roleplay because of other reasons that I can’t state without people being butthurt. I am not quitting RP, just taking a break from it until Bow gives birth. 

So, what will be replacing the other 60% of your content? Well, I am going to be focusing on The Sims 4 and Diablo 3 (Seasonal.) Not many people know this, but I do play Diablo 3, I mainly focus on Intelligence based characters such as Wizard and Necromancer. I will also be doing some Sims 4 builds as well as Gameplay for you guys.

If you have any questions for me regarding my content or mental health, feel free to ask me on discord or twitter and I will happily answer them. Hopefully, things will pick up again and I will be able to return soon.

ASD, Depression, Anxiety and Rumination

Recently I have been rather creative by creating artwork. Which is something I have been wanting to do for a while? However, this usually means that I am struggling with Depression, Anxiety and my general mental health.

I have literally been avoiding everything and everyone. I’ve been grumpy, tired and overall just miserable. I’ve been tired but have only been sleeping for short periods of time and then when it comes to stream times I am either exhausted or grumpy. I have also been battling with thoughts of self-harming, which isn’t healthy. Which in turn has been making my depression and anxiety much worse? This then causes Rumination in my brain which carries over to my creative work.

Rumination is basically when your brain loops a problem over and over without completion. Which is why when I create artwork my brain is 100% distracted and engaged as I am thinking about the issues within my own artwork instead of my personal problems. However, my work is only at it’s best when I am completely miserable.

Sabbo compared me to Picasso, while I disagree with him, as my artwork is nowhere near as good. It did make me notice that I am working at my best when I am hurting emotionally and when I am stressed.

I currently feel very unhealthy (mentally) and I have reached out for help. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed like a sushi roll and completely avoid people. However, I know doing that is making me worse. I am literally too scared to leave the house because I just feel like a worthless piece of shit and I’m scared of talking to people as they tend to be super loud. In fact, the whole world is loud and bright, which is something I struggle to deal with.

This isn’t something that is new and is the main reason I suspect that I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. That and my obsession with Cats and Video Games. Loud noises and bright lights give me a mental block of where I feel overwhelmed and end up crying or passing out when I get home. My mother has known that I have High Functioning ASD from when I was a kid as she teaches Pre-School Children who have ASD. However, it’s hard to find a place that deals with ASD in adults.


Dapper’s Life: Depression and Delirium

My life recently has been a complete trainwreck. My sleeping schedule has been all over the place due to two different internships and I feel super stressed at the moment due to my Great Gran being in the hospital.

My great gran has recently had a stroke and is now going through delirium. It’s stressful as I am terrified of death and losing her. I’m also scared of visiting and seeing her have one of her attacks or worse dying. I always thought that when the time came, I would have my life together, which is a whole other pressure I’m about to talk about.

Right now I am exhausted due to working two UNPAID internships. One of which I love and the other in which I feel like I am just generally sucking at. I have no confidence in what I am doing anymore and the thought of even opening photoshop just gives me anxiety. Mainly because I know my art style doesn’t appeal to some brands and to be honest. I just want to run away and hide from everyone. Not to mention that I am just tired of working for free. I have been doing work to gain “Experience” for around 6 years. I’m tired of it, I want to start getting paid for doing work that I enjoy.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be married with a great job by the time I was 28. I just feel like there is no paid place for me in this world. Everyone wants things from me and they all want it for nothing. I just feel tired, lost, alone and overall depressed. Being young fucking sucks.